At the close of 2005, I find myself being reflective again. The year had a few too many epiphanies for me to handle, too much chaos, sadness, and trauma for one girl to handle. I started the year out with a plethora of friends and ended up with a handful. The handful I am sincerely grateful to have in my life. The friends that step up to the plate to be there and understand when your world is turned upside down several times in a year are irreplaceable. Friends are patient and listen while you try to figure shit out in your head - crap that no one should ever have deal with but it hits like a ton of bricks at once. The sort of hell that makes me want to close the door and hide.
It’s sad that tragedy showed me who my real friends are - friends that were there for me the last half of the year. It showed me who could not be there for me during the rough times and will therefore never be there for me. Not many people stepped up; in fact, I have a new understanding of individuals because of it. I know reality is too much for many people so I don’t fault them. I had insane amounts of pain this past summer more than most people can deal with even if it happens to someone else. I found myself unable to move or was in a hazy cloud of disbelief a large portion of the time. I wished I could go back to the days of diving into chemicals for relief. I still have to deal with it, all of it, eventually.
There is nothing like losing your mind in the middle of summer. I can put on a somewhat decent face in times of sorrow but I know that the people that really care about me actually saw how different I was this past year. I wasn’t myself. I hadn’t been myself the entire year. I started getting back to normal and then school started so I had to take a step back again to slow down.
I’m grateful to the people in my life that are still my friends despite my lack of enthusiasm this past year. I understand you more than you think. The looks of understanding, respect and caring, I caught them, all of them. If that’s all you can give that’s fine, I got it. I know you love me and I love you back just as much.
I still hold on to honesty, loyalty, and respect for my friends. People always know where they stand with me. I’m not passive-aggressive and force people to try to read between the lines. It’s all black and white for me. I try to treat people the way I would like to be treated. It isn’t that difficult. Some people just make it hard for me to treat them with respect. I need to work on that.
I think I'm supposed to write about all the cool fun stuff from 2005. You know what they are because you were there, read about them on my blog, or I told you. I'm not writing about that crap today. I had a bunch of negative shit happen to me and then I got into nursing school. That's as much of a list as you will get.
I feel better about myself than I did this time last year. I didn’t accomplish major goals but I survived is my point. That’s what really matters to me.
Tell your family and friends you love them, you never know what will happen.
Bring on 2006 motherfuckers because there is no way it can possibly suck more than 2005.
Currently listening:
Hanky Panky
By The The.
