I'm not sure if I'm happy about coming out or not.
My family had no idea that I blog. Until today. It surprised me that I said anything at all but it just sort of slipped out.
I took a break at work to go say hello to my sister on her floor (we work at the same hospital). We started talking about our latest obsessions. She was trying to convince me to start playing WOW with her and her husband. I said I couldn't afford it until school is out (not to mention time). I also said that I was too busy with my current Netflix obsession. She told me that they don't do the Netflix thing because the like to go to their neighborhood video store.
I quickly said, "Oh, well then you know Howard!"
She said, "How do you know him?"
"Well I know him from blogging."
"You blog? Like MySpace?"
"Yes I blog but not on MySpace. I've been doing it for almost 5 years."
"Really?"
"Yep."
"I'm Shmeder with no c, google me. You'll find me."
"Shmeder?"
"Yes, it's a college nickname."
I realized at that moment how much of my life I don't share with my family. My initial instinct was, "how could anyone that knows me not know?"
I guess I just don't scream out the window how much better I feel after I'm done with some of my posts.
I go back and forth between wanting the anonymity that I had for years to appreciating the great friends that I've made. I don't think I would have made it through 2005 without blogging. Tragedy had struck my life in the worst way and I felt like I had no one. It seems to me that when something horrible happens to a person people are there for you for the first few days. After a week, they have no idea how to handle you. They don't know what to say to you so they stop calling or writing. I kept writing in my blog and the few comments I received I appreciated and still remember. A few people sent me personal emails. It helped.
I know I keep people at a distance. I have more control of whether or not I get hurt.
I'm not sure if my sister will google me or not. I don't even know how to feel about it. Maybe I should start letting people in. I think my siblings would be a good place to start.
