I'm on a blogation. I'll still be reading your posts through Google reader or Bloglines every few days so I can keep up with what's happening in your lives/head. As always, you can email me - shmeder at gmail.

I won't be coming back here.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Letter to...

There was the slightest pause in my smile. It was quick enough for a glimpse of the today's events to sneak through my thoughts. I went from one extreme to another in less than an hour and expected myself to be able to keep a smile going for the rest of the evening.

He got under my skin. I started to fall in love with him and really care for him. I found myself over the last few days not able to keep up my barrier. I wasn't able to ignore his sighs. I wasn't able to ignore the forced smile when I walked into his room. He was always sitting up in a chair looking forward at a blank wall or down at the floor. The television was off and he was lost in his thoughts for hours at a time. The silence in his room was deafening.

I couldn’t walk into his room one more time and see him that way. I forced him up and went for a walk with him. We talked. I got to know more about him and his life. This is where I went wrong. I listened. I took it all in. He thanked me for helping him walk around for a little while. Then I excused myself to continue with my mundane tasks.

I knew I should have said goodbye to him at the end of my shift today but I just couldn't do it. I am afraid to go back next week to find out that he didn't live through the week.

It happens all the time. I see it all the time. I just can't get used to it.

This is what I go through at work. I don't know why I thought I could possibly keep a good face going for the entire night tonight. I know that some days at work are going to be heartbreaking for me. I tend to need to deal with this sort of stuff on my own. This kind of stuff is not appropriate when people are trying to have a good time. I was a buzz kill tonight.

I just wanted to thank you for caring about me and to let you know what was going on in my head. I appreciate that you took the time to show concern for me.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.