Are there some people that when they look you straight in the eyes it seems like you are going too far in? Like maybe you could get lost? Then you both just take your time and drink up the moment as it freezes for both of you? Your stomach flips and you feel your body ache as it wants to draw near. The heat is strong at 20 feet away. You turn away and your face gets flush as the heat engulfs you.
Then you walk away in hopes that one of you stops and does something about it one of these days. One of these days has turned into months.
I have to be the biggest fucking chicken shit on the entire planet right behind him.
Fear and the need for self preservation drive my life right now. I've written about him plenty and have deleted most of the posts but the one I just linked to. I don't think I can do this much longer. It's getting harder to not pick up the phone and call him. Fuck. Fear. Rejection.
I don't know if I can handle the disappointment of another goodbye.
Give me a few days and I will be deleting this post. It's a bit too personal even for me to handle.
