I'm on a blogation. I'll still be reading your posts through Google reader or Bloglines every few days so I can keep up with what's happening in your lives/head. As always, you can email me - shmeder at gmail.

I won't be coming back here.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

I was getting closer to this. I still needed time. When we were on... we were spot on. When we were off it sucked ass. I sucked up a lot of shit and thought that I was just being a woman and being sensitive. No. I wasn't. It was the tiny ounce of self worth that I had left saying what the fuck are you doing and why?

He lied. Then he lied again. What have I always said are some of the most important things in life to me? Honesty and integrity... without them you have nothing and you are nothing. When you make plans to hang out with me I expect you to keep your plans. Treat people the way that you want to be treated - they got something right with that little dinger.

The timing of me finding out about the final lie was walking to the Halloween party tonight. I couldn't fake it and blow it off for another day. One thing I am not is fake. My emotions are right out front for everyone to see. If I'm pissed, happy or disappointed then you know it. I lost my marbles and threw my drink onto the pavement. Then I turned around and said, "After tonight, we are done." He walked down the street in the opposite direction. I singled out his friend (clueless as to what just happened) that he brought along and told him that I can't be with a liar. I went to the party and cried the whole flipping night. The incident happened when I had Shelly, Doug, and Heather standing next to me to help pick me up.

I know when he gets his shit together he will be a fantastic person. I just can't have him walk all over me until then. I am not a doormat and I will not be treated as such. I can forgive mistakes but I can't keep on forgiving the same one over and over. I am a woman, I can tell when a man is lying to me. It's not that hard. It's the slightest change of tone in voice and a glance downward. Sad thing, I can even tell on the phone. A part of me wishes I was fabulously naive - I really wouldn't be the person I am now if I was that way but I can still wish.

There is little left of me right now.

The fucked up thing? When it was good I was happier than I have ever been in my entire life. It was absolutely amazing. I have never had anything like that before. I was glowing.

I honestly didn't think I was ever going to be single again.