Last night I did something and I don't know if I should be proud or embarrassed. After work I was desperate and stopped at Taco Bell. I got home, got undressed and turned on the shower. I couldn't decide if I should eat or shower. I ended up getting in the shower. Then I decided I was hungry and reached out of the shower and got my taco. I decided to eat my taco in the shower. The closest I've ever come to this is drinking a cold beer in the shower (it was quite pleasant). Food? I have never eaten food in the shower. Does anyone else ever do this? Not in the bath... the shower. Gah. I'm pathetic.
Today has got to be the longest day of my life. Seriously. I'm at work right now getting paid time and a half to sit in a room with a patient for 12 hours. He has a trach in so he can't talk. He doesn't eat because he has a feeding tube. Where does that leave me? In front of this computer surfing the internet or watching whatever he is watching on TV. Ugh. We're watching Die Hard II right now.
All in all, I would have to say that this Thanksgiving Day has sucked some serious nasty ass.
On a thankful note... this guy that I've been hanging out with has 2 skiing gold passes this season. It means that he can go snowboarding all winter long at any resort for free! He wants to take me up one of these weekends! Yippee! I didn't think I would be able to make it this season at all. We'll have to see if I ever make it up there.
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Monday, November 22, 2004
Flutter by
I know. I haven't updated in ages. I haven't felt like sitting in front of my computer for extended lengths of time until today. I started taking an inventory of my music at this website. In the end I will be able to download it all into an Excel spreadsheet if I want. I had to stop when I was halfway through the letter C. I think this might be more work than what I'm willing to do.
I've been sleeping a lot. I can't seem to get rid of this cold that put me out of work for 2 weeks. It fucking sucks.
I've been sleeping a lot. I can't seem to get rid of this cold that put me out of work for 2 weeks. It fucking sucks.
Saturday, November 13, 2004
Create and Melt
Dali's Car
I can't sleep yet. For one thing, all of my bedding is in the wash. My blanket and sheets are in the dryer and my comforter is still in the washer. I had to wash them. All I did was practically sweat to death about four nights in a row earlier this week. My sheets were disgusting by today.
I was listening to Dali's Car as I was folding clothes. I realized that I don't know if I could ever be with a man that hated my music so much that I could never play it in his presence. That would just kill me. Music is too much a part of who I am. It's my past and my present. Most of my memories have some sort of music attached to it.
This past summer two men asked me (more like accused me) of being a Dave Matthews fan. Do I come off to people as that type of person? I am not even on the same planet as any of that man's music. I can tolerate it but that's all I do is tolerate and that's only long enough to get away. His voice, to me, is like fingernails sliding down a chalkboard. I cringe when I hear that whine of his.
Jeff, the property appraiser, thought I was a huge fan. Jeff is a jam-band kind of guy. Fine. I can date him and he can go to all the shows he wants to. I don't care. I'm not going to make him go to any of mine. I don't care that he listens to that and enjoys it. Whatever gets your rocks off is ok by me. The thing is, during our third date, I told him what I listen to and the kind of teenager I was. He got this weird look in his eye and looked me up and down as if to say, "OMG, you were one of THEM." Then he laughed at me. He never called again and if he did, I had no intention of answering. All he wanted was sex and he finally figured out that he wasn't getting any from me.
I have to stop now to listen to Dead Can Dance "I am Stretched on Your Grave". I stop and listen every time that song plays. Then I listen to it a few more times and just cry. I should get a copy of the Sinead O'Connor version. Back to what I was saying...
In August, Mr. (insert name) brought up the whole Dave Matthews thing too. He honestly thought that I was a fan. I just said something to the effect that we probably had more in common than he thought. In the morning, he put on his Social D t-shirt and he had no idea how fucking sexy that was to me. He was off to work in corporate hell with Social D under it all. Now that is a great fucking memory... thank you Social Distortion and thank you Mr. (insert name).
It just bothers me. TWICE in one summer... Eek.
I don't want to be a Dave Matthews type of girl or person. Have I lost that much of my individuality over the years? Have I lost my edge?
Will I ever find anyone that will let me be me? Will they all be like Jeff and look at me as if I'm from another planet when I tell them about my past? Will my luck be so bad that I fall madly in love with Dave Matthews' number one fan? Will I be able to tolerate his music or is it just impossible for me to fall in love with a DMB guy? Will he tolerate my music, let me listen to it and let me be myself? Can I do the same for him?
Am I this shallow?
Why the hell am I worrying about this tonight anyway? Gah.
I realize I may have just pissed off quite a few DMB fans. In all honesty, this is me being honest and I won't have my blog any other way. If you don't like it then don't read it. End of story.
I can't sleep yet. For one thing, all of my bedding is in the wash. My blanket and sheets are in the dryer and my comforter is still in the washer. I had to wash them. All I did was practically sweat to death about four nights in a row earlier this week. My sheets were disgusting by today.
I was listening to Dali's Car as I was folding clothes. I realized that I don't know if I could ever be with a man that hated my music so much that I could never play it in his presence. That would just kill me. Music is too much a part of who I am. It's my past and my present. Most of my memories have some sort of music attached to it.
This past summer two men asked me (more like accused me) of being a Dave Matthews fan. Do I come off to people as that type of person? I am not even on the same planet as any of that man's music. I can tolerate it but that's all I do is tolerate and that's only long enough to get away. His voice, to me, is like fingernails sliding down a chalkboard. I cringe when I hear that whine of his.
Jeff, the property appraiser, thought I was a huge fan. Jeff is a jam-band kind of guy. Fine. I can date him and he can go to all the shows he wants to. I don't care. I'm not going to make him go to any of mine. I don't care that he listens to that and enjoys it. Whatever gets your rocks off is ok by me. The thing is, during our third date, I told him what I listen to and the kind of teenager I was. He got this weird look in his eye and looked me up and down as if to say, "OMG, you were one of THEM." Then he laughed at me. He never called again and if he did, I had no intention of answering. All he wanted was sex and he finally figured out that he wasn't getting any from me.
I have to stop now to listen to Dead Can Dance "I am Stretched on Your Grave". I stop and listen every time that song plays. Then I listen to it a few more times and just cry. I should get a copy of the Sinead O'Connor version. Back to what I was saying...
In August, Mr. (insert name) brought up the whole Dave Matthews thing too. He honestly thought that I was a fan. I just said something to the effect that we probably had more in common than he thought. In the morning, he put on his Social D t-shirt and he had no idea how fucking sexy that was to me. He was off to work in corporate hell with Social D under it all. Now that is a great fucking memory... thank you Social Distortion and thank you Mr. (insert name).
It just bothers me. TWICE in one summer... Eek.
I don't want to be a Dave Matthews type of girl or person. Have I lost that much of my individuality over the years? Have I lost my edge?
Will I ever find anyone that will let me be me? Will they all be like Jeff and look at me as if I'm from another planet when I tell them about my past? Will my luck be so bad that I fall madly in love with Dave Matthews' number one fan? Will I be able to tolerate his music or is it just impossible for me to fall in love with a DMB guy? Will he tolerate my music, let me listen to it and let me be myself? Can I do the same for him?
Am I this shallow?
Why the hell am I worrying about this tonight anyway? Gah.
I realize I may have just pissed off quite a few DMB fans. In all honesty, this is me being honest and I won't have my blog any other way. If you don't like it then don't read it. End of story.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Like a time bomb
I'm stuck in a conundrum. I'm too aggressive for the quiet and shy type of guy and yet I'm not right for the loud and aggressive type. Where the hell does that leave me? In the middle? Purgatory? Well, that isn't much fun and I've just about had it. I've had plenty of time to think this week. I need a plan. Do I need to be that cutesy flirty girl that all the guys ask out? The one that has a good wholesome reputation (even though the reputation isn't deserved, she's a ho like the rest of us). Do I really want to be someone that I'm not? I'm a flirt. I know that. I just don't try to hide the fact that I am. Me? Be cute? On purpose? That's just nauseating...
I'll have to figure something out. I'm bored and I want to sit and rent movies with someone I care about when it's cold and snowy out.
I realize that's a lot to want...
So I was nasty. I hadn't showered in a few days and I forced myself to take one today. That's what I do when I'm sick. I get lazy as hell and forget to try to be a normal functioning human being.
I read a few more books the past few days. I read About a Boy by Nick Hornby and Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk. About a Boy was fine. I don't think it was a great enough story to make a movie about it. Lullaby was brilliant. I must look up more Chuck Palahniuk the next time I find myself at the bookstore. A friend suggested him to me a few years ago because I am so enamored with Irvine Welsh. The friend didn't tell me enough about this guy's books. I need a book to be so off the top unrealistic that it could possibly happen. I've got some reading to do.
Namby-pamby books about love sick fools are for the birds.
No, I haven't gone back to work yet. I've only been to Rite-Aid, Sunflower Market and Blockbuster Video. I need a note to go back to work and my doctor won't give me one yet. I keep running a temperature at night. I will probably go back on Sunday. Until then, I get to stay low and keep on reading. I don't have a TV that gets any reception (I refuse to pay for cable and rabbit ears are hideous) so all I can do is rent movies and read. It's strange, I've enjoyed reading more than watching the movies I rented.
I rented:
Morvern Callar
Dark City
Taking Lives
Miracle
Man on Fire
I've seen Dark City before and should probably own it by now. I just don't have a comment on the other movies except to say that I need to take a list with me the next time I go to rent movies. What the hell was I thinking??
I do have plans to join a bar crawl for charity on Saturday afternoon. I just don't get to drink... I gotta wear shades...
I'll have to figure something out. I'm bored and I want to sit and rent movies with someone I care about when it's cold and snowy out.
I realize that's a lot to want...
So I was nasty. I hadn't showered in a few days and I forced myself to take one today. That's what I do when I'm sick. I get lazy as hell and forget to try to be a normal functioning human being.
I read a few more books the past few days. I read About a Boy by Nick Hornby and Lullaby by Chuck Palahniuk. About a Boy was fine. I don't think it was a great enough story to make a movie about it. Lullaby was brilliant. I must look up more Chuck Palahniuk the next time I find myself at the bookstore. A friend suggested him to me a few years ago because I am so enamored with Irvine Welsh. The friend didn't tell me enough about this guy's books. I need a book to be so off the top unrealistic that it could possibly happen. I've got some reading to do.
Namby-pamby books about love sick fools are for the birds.
No, I haven't gone back to work yet. I've only been to Rite-Aid, Sunflower Market and Blockbuster Video. I need a note to go back to work and my doctor won't give me one yet. I keep running a temperature at night. I will probably go back on Sunday. Until then, I get to stay low and keep on reading. I don't have a TV that gets any reception (I refuse to pay for cable and rabbit ears are hideous) so all I can do is rent movies and read. It's strange, I've enjoyed reading more than watching the movies I rented.
I rented:
Morvern Callar
Dark City
Taking Lives
Miracle
Man on Fire
I've seen Dark City before and should probably own it by now. I just don't have a comment on the other movies except to say that I need to take a list with me the next time I go to rent movies. What the hell was I thinking??
I do have plans to join a bar crawl for charity on Saturday afternoon. I just don't get to drink... I gotta wear shades...
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)