I'm on a blogation. I'll still be reading your posts through Google reader or Bloglines every few days so I can keep up with what's happening in your lives/head. As always, you can email me - shmeder at gmail.

I won't be coming back here.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

The grabbing hands grab all they can, all for themselves, after all

It’s time for another brain dump. Fuck. The shit that goes through my head and never fucking stops. I’m tired as fuck and I can’t sleep. I’m beyond sleep at this point.

The latest:

Went to Depeche Mode last night and had a good time. They played one song that made me cry. It reminded me of Jen D. We worked at Snears together in high school. We remained great friends through college. Then she got married and we haven’t been great at keeping touch since then. I just didn’t feel right at that show without her. I knew the second I sat down I should have called her this week. Then there’s the guy that I fell in love with (my first time in love) years ago. I still can’t listen to World in My Eyes without thinking of him and then wanting to fast forward to Sea of Sin. Then there’s Jeanne and Blasphemous Rumours. They didn’t play the song and it’s a good thing. It’s been almost 19 years and I still cry for her. There are a few more songs that I can’t listen to without getting choked because of her.

After Bauhaus last week, Kara and I did something we never do. We talked about Jeanne, how long it’s been, and the things that remind us of her. I talked about how I can’t get the image of Little J standing over her and crying his eyes out and how I had to pull him away from her. She can’t stop thinking about the watch someone put around her wrist and wondering when the battery died. Then that brings us naturally back to Little J and how much I hate TOPY. It was his birthday, he was 23, and it was on the 23rd. Fuck them, fuck him, fuck H and I fucking hate the fact that I wasn’t there for him. Fuck guilt.

School is school. Nothing much to say but it takes up a ton of my time. I barely have time to take a crap. Tonight was great just sitting on my ass and watching television.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about crushes and why I don’t tell anyone about them. I suppose it comes down to trust anymore. Also, if it’s worth it, I just might put my ego on the line and do something about it. It isn’t worth it for me right now. I have had one on my mind that I thought I was over a long time ago. I just keep on getting these drunk dials from him. I’ve always known that we have something unresolved. There’s just too much other shit that is in the way. I think if we are meant to be then we will in the end. I just don’t know when I’ll be ready for the end of being single. It scares me that I might never want to stop being single.

I don’t feel the need to be very social lately. It’s not high on my priority list. The sidelines are a great place to be at the moment. Time tends to take care of a lot of crap that is done and said. Forgiveness may never happen. Not my problem. Thank fuck.

It’s the principle of the thing.

Here’s another one just in case I didn’t type it enough: fuckety fuck fuck fuck

Fuck isn't the word of the day - it's stitch. I'm rather fond of the word. Thank you.