I'm on a blogation. I'll still be reading your posts through Google reader or Bloglines every few days so I can keep up with what's happening in your lives/head. As always, you can email me - shmeder at gmail.

I won't be coming back here.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

This is me, dumping the shit that sticks in my head...

Do you ever think that you might be losing your mind? Then you realize that someone close to you is in worse shape than you? Should I feel bad that I feel this way?

I know she is pushing me away purposefully. I don't have enough time for her because of school so she assumes that I'm blowing her off. In reality, I don't have time for anyone. I know she is waiting for me to call and apologize but I really didn't do anything. I just didn't answer my phone last Sunday because I didn't hear it ringing. My music or the TV was too loud to hear it. She ended up leaving me a nasty voicemail that I didn't listen to until Tuesday. I returned her call right after I listened to it. I just don't know how much I should buy into this childish behavior. I have plenty of friends that don't require time out of me. Time that I just don't have for myself lately.

The thing that gets me is that she knows how rough this month is/has been on me. The anniversary has got me all tied up in knots. I'm incredibly afraid of that day and Father's Day too. I'm angry at God for doing this. I'm angry because that kind of shit only happens on season finale cliff hangers. They aren't supposed to happen in real life. I guess I just don't hear about this stuff enough to know how to deal with it and to know if my way of coping is ok. After a year, am I where I should be in the healing process? I still feel like it was yesterday.

I needed to write this post to get some of this shit out of my head. I am fine, just tired from the mind fuck. Tired of people wanting time out of me that I don't have and then assuming that I'm being selfish. I am being selfish but it's about fucking time I be selfish. I'm not her fucking nurse or shrink. I guess she's expecting too much out of me and I don't have it to give. I'm tired of feeling guilty about not being able to help her. When I wasn't in school full time then it was ok - I had the time. She hasn't adjusted to my busy schedule. Therefore, not my problem and I just need to get over it.

I'm excited to get this month over and done with ASAP.