Over a year ago I was sent a mix CD from him. I'm finally getting around to returning the favor. I haven't finalized the lists but I think I will have 2 CDs. It will be the way I feel tonight and the songs that bring back some fucked up memories; one disc from the 80's and one from the 90's. The songs that I choose weren't necessarily released that era but that's when I listened to them originally.
Send me an email if you want me to send you a copy. No, I don't care what your REAL name is and where you live but I need it to mail this out. I'm not a stalker. Don't be a spazz.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Tell me how does it feel...
I went to hear Peter Hook DJ tonight.
The songs threw me back more than I expected. I didn't know if I should cry or scream. I just let it all go.
At one point tonight, I realized I was oblivious to everything around me and just heard the music. I had been dancing for quite some time with my eyes closed (I think I do this because the lights aren't that great for my epilepsy) when I had to stop. I had to soak it all in and start all over again. I was in a room full of people that get it. They get Joy Division and New Order and that you can love and respect both separately. I was in a place that I didn't need to explain myself to anyone.
I was happy.
The songs threw me back more than I expected. I didn't know if I should cry or scream. I just let it all go.
At one point tonight, I realized I was oblivious to everything around me and just heard the music. I had been dancing for quite some time with my eyes closed (I think I do this because the lights aren't that great for my epilepsy) when I had to stop. I had to soak it all in and start all over again. I was in a room full of people that get it. They get Joy Division and New Order and that you can love and respect both separately. I was in a place that I didn't need to explain myself to anyone.
I was happy.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Letter to...
There was the slightest pause in my smile. It was quick enough for a glimpse of the today's events to sneak through my thoughts. I went from one extreme to another in less than an hour and expected myself to be able to keep a smile going for the rest of the evening.
He got under my skin. I started to fall in love with him and really care for him. I found myself over the last few days not able to keep up my barrier. I wasn't able to ignore his sighs. I wasn't able to ignore the forced smile when I walked into his room. He was always sitting up in a chair looking forward at a blank wall or down at the floor. The television was off and he was lost in his thoughts for hours at a time. The silence in his room was deafening.
I couldn’t walk into his room one more time and see him that way. I forced him up and went for a walk with him. We talked. I got to know more about him and his life. This is where I went wrong. I listened. I took it all in. He thanked me for helping him walk around for a little while. Then I excused myself to continue with my mundane tasks.
I knew I should have said goodbye to him at the end of my shift today but I just couldn't do it. I am afraid to go back next week to find out that he didn't live through the week.
It happens all the time. I see it all the time. I just can't get used to it.
This is what I go through at work. I don't know why I thought I could possibly keep a good face going for the entire night tonight. I know that some days at work are going to be heartbreaking for me. I tend to need to deal with this sort of stuff on my own. This kind of stuff is not appropriate when people are trying to have a good time. I was a buzz kill tonight.
I just wanted to thank you for caring about me and to let you know what was going on in my head. I appreciate that you took the time to show concern for me.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
He got under my skin. I started to fall in love with him and really care for him. I found myself over the last few days not able to keep up my barrier. I wasn't able to ignore his sighs. I wasn't able to ignore the forced smile when I walked into his room. He was always sitting up in a chair looking forward at a blank wall or down at the floor. The television was off and he was lost in his thoughts for hours at a time. The silence in his room was deafening.
I couldn’t walk into his room one more time and see him that way. I forced him up and went for a walk with him. We talked. I got to know more about him and his life. This is where I went wrong. I listened. I took it all in. He thanked me for helping him walk around for a little while. Then I excused myself to continue with my mundane tasks.
I knew I should have said goodbye to him at the end of my shift today but I just couldn't do it. I am afraid to go back next week to find out that he didn't live through the week.
It happens all the time. I see it all the time. I just can't get used to it.
This is what I go through at work. I don't know why I thought I could possibly keep a good face going for the entire night tonight. I know that some days at work are going to be heartbreaking for me. I tend to need to deal with this sort of stuff on my own. This kind of stuff is not appropriate when people are trying to have a good time. I was a buzz kill tonight.
I just wanted to thank you for caring about me and to let you know what was going on in my head. I appreciate that you took the time to show concern for me.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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