The beat is doing me in

I ran into an old friend Friday night while dancing at Lipgloss. I haven't seen him in years. I was afraid to ask if he was straight or gay. My gaydar is all fucked up. Some men had to be straight. They had to. The lesbians stayed away from me for the most part but not my friend. If you ignore them, they will go away (most of the time). It's always worked for me.

What song got me on the dance floor? The Wolfgang Press' "Mama Told Me Not to Come" gets me every time it's great version of the song and a great album. I about creamed my panties when I heard it come on. Aileen and I were at the bar talking to Jeff. I just looked at the both of them and said, "I have to go, here's my card. Put all of our drinks on it. I must dance. I love this band more than life itself sometimes. Seriously, this band is in my top three all time list." I walked off and entered the dance floor. It was heaven on the dance floor. Heaven was everywhere. The set was continued with a bunch of Brit-pop crap and I loved it. "I am the resurrection and I am the light" was screamed at the top of my lungs. I haven't had that much fun dancing to real music in years. Years.

I'm pretty sure the margarita and vodka tonics that were churning in my stomach helped the euphoria.

I saw some other old friends that know me by a different name, John and Mary. John, aka The Whipping Boy (The Whip), is great to party with any day of the week. He made his money in the 90s being an obnoxious radio DJ. I think he pretty much does nothing these days. I don't think he works and I'm afraid to ask. I forget if it's a sore subject. Either way, I don't think he needs the money. They knew me when I was an annoying 20-something. I think I drink a lot now (at times) but nothing compares to back then.

I saw an old kickball crush. I never expected to see him again. He hasn't played since my first season in 2003. I think (I hope) he's straight. It would crush me if he were gay. I never even knew his name.

I called in sick for work tomorrow. I have a serious water leak into my apartment (the laundry room ceiling to be exact) that is making my allergies go berserk. I can't stop coughing blah blah blah...

I need to catch up on schoolwork.

You should have called tonight.

Did you catch the moon tonight? Amazing, huh?

Went out, had a marg at The Rio, got annoyed by all the people I don’t want to know, went to Lipgloss, danced my ass off, screamed, “I am the resurrection and I am the light” at the top of my lungs, met up with Mark, ran into an old friend (Ryan, we worked together at Alfalfa’s), got picked up on by men and women, laughed at the all the flock of seagulls walking around (what once was old, now is new), saw an old crush, and came home.

Good times.

Sex would have made the night perfect.

Screams in frustration!!!!!

While reading my blog, it frustrates the hell out of me that I can't use my back button without getting kicked out of IE. Fuck. I don't want to have to revisit my code and fix all the fucking errors. That could take years...

Maybe it's a Blogger issue but I doubt it.

Random Gentle Sex Master

The Playstation Random Gentle Sex Master (RGSMf) Easy to turn on. Hard to beat. You are The Playstation. You're a nice girl, and you have lots of sex. It's therefore highly likely that you're attractive, and you're certainly outgoing & friendly. Plus, this healthy physical attitude of yours indicates deeper emotional well-being and stability. Unheard of. When guys dare to dream, they dream of you. You don't get attached too easily, and, to wit, you're not necessarily looking for something long-term right now. That's a bigger asset than you know. Though, physically speaking, you're open to anything, you're keeping your emotional side well-protected. This means there won't be a lot of wreckage to clean up whenever you decide to settle down. In the meantime, the men you share yourself with actually respect you. Like them, you enjoy sex for its own sake and don't need any other validation for pleasure than pleasure itself. Hopefully, you have the good sense to blow off anyone who thinks less of you for that. Usually, this is the part of the description where we offer some life-correcting advice, but honestly, we can't think of anything about you we'd change. Keep on fucking, partner. ALWAYS AVOID: The Mixed Messenger CONSIDER: Anyone else Link: The 32-Type Dating Test

I rule!

Mission accomplished.

Not ready to write about it. I'm keeping it to myself for now.

"I am silver and exact." -Plath

I'm sorry you weren't my last. I never wanted you to be one in the first place. The first morning you put on a Social D t-shirt and then got ready for work. You looked amazing in that t-shirt. I do remember that it was still sort of warm outside and we walked out of your apartment into the rain. It was a beautiful day.

A lot has happened to me since we last spoke or sent emails to each other. I'm sure you've been busy too.

I'm surprised that you remember my online name. You are still the only person that ever received the info about my blog from me.

Out of Control

She Wants Revenge

I haven't listened to a band so faithfully in years. They are kicking my ass. It's a little retro but all kinda new. It makes me want to dance and rip off my clothes while screaming the lyrics at the top of my lungs. I have been enlightened and turned back into a teenager. It feels fantastic. It's time for another one-nighter. It's time for everything.

They're playing at the Larimer Lounge on Sunday night.

Mental orgasm.

****

It's great how things in life tend to take care of themselves. Getting different priorities makes everything else easier. I see my selfish behavior and I'm ok with it. I'm my only priority. I'm not insecure about losing friendships or not being able to keep up with what's happening while I'm in school. I can catch up later if I want to. I don't know if I want to. Knowing that I don't need anything or anyone is power. Knowing that my independence is a good thing works for me right now. For a while, I thought I might have to give up some of that independence in order to be in a relationship. I don't. I can be independent single or with someone. If he doesn't like my independence, he can fuck off before he knocks on the door.

Self-confidence is a crazy drug. I see myself with someone that knows and understands my phobia of being in a co-dependant relationship. I never want that for me. Yes, I have a fear of being alone forever but I'm not just gonna be with some idiot because I feel the need to fill up space in my bed. It's either right or it's not. It's that fucking simple. It's not like climbing a mountain of mashed potatoes. It's not impossible or stupid. It's just patience, knowing who you are inside and what you want.

I can't be with anyone until I know how to make myself happy. I think I found it and I'm all giddy. I fucking love it.

Fuck all that crappy shit I'd been feeling for, how long has it been? A year since my last random boy? Shit. I was on such a good roll and I have seriously disappointed myself.

Why did no one smack me upside the head?

The grabbing hands grab all they can, all for themselves, after all

It’s time for another brain dump. Fuck. The shit that goes through my head and never fucking stops. I’m tired as fuck and I can’t sleep. I’m beyond sleep at this point.

The latest:

Went to Depeche Mode last night and had a good time. They played one song that made me cry. It reminded me of Jen D. We worked at Snears together in high school. We remained great friends through college. Then she got married and we haven’t been great at keeping touch since then. I just didn’t feel right at that show without her. I knew the second I sat down I should have called her this week. Then there’s the guy that I fell in love with (my first time in love) years ago. I still can’t listen to World in My Eyes without thinking of him and then wanting to fast forward to Sea of Sin. Then there’s Jeanne and Blasphemous Rumours. They didn’t play the song and it’s a good thing. It’s been almost 19 years and I still cry for her. There are a few more songs that I can’t listen to without getting choked because of her.

After Bauhaus last week, Kara and I did something we never do. We talked about Jeanne, how long it’s been, and the things that remind us of her. I talked about how I can’t get the image of Little J standing over her and crying his eyes out and how I had to pull him away from her. She can’t stop thinking about the watch someone put around her wrist and wondering when the battery died. Then that brings us naturally back to Little J and how much I hate TOPY. It was his birthday, he was 23, and it was on the 23rd. Fuck them, fuck him, fuck H and I fucking hate the fact that I wasn’t there for him. Fuck guilt.

School is school. Nothing much to say but it takes up a ton of my time. I barely have time to take a crap. Tonight was great just sitting on my ass and watching television.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about crushes and why I don’t tell anyone about them. I suppose it comes down to trust anymore. Also, if it’s worth it, I just might put my ego on the line and do something about it. It isn’t worth it for me right now. I have had one on my mind that I thought I was over a long time ago. I just keep on getting these drunk dials from him. I’ve always known that we have something unresolved. There’s just too much other shit that is in the way. I think if we are meant to be then we will in the end. I just don’t know when I’ll be ready for the end of being single. It scares me that I might never want to stop being single.

I don’t feel the need to be very social lately. It’s not high on my priority list. The sidelines are a great place to be at the moment. Time tends to take care of a lot of crap that is done and said. Forgiveness may never happen. Not my problem. Thank fuck.

It’s the principle of the thing.

Here’s another one just in case I didn’t type it enough: fuckety fuck fuck fuck

Fuck isn't the word of the day - it's stitch. I'm rather fond of the word. Thank you.

Black is the new black

I need to thank my sister Diane for introducing me to Bauhaus. She went off to college in 1983 and sent me a mixed tape with Bauhaus on it. Then I need to thank FMtv, Teletunes, Wax Trax, After 8, and 120 Minutes. I know how I was influenced and what my sources for new music were in my teens. I’m thankful people were willing to share and influence me.

On to Bauhaus…
Wow. I haven’t been to a show that good in a long time. That was worth every penny and then more.

The band was in all black except for the white tuxedo shirt Peter was wearing under a black leather jacket. The lighting was fantastic they only used white lights except for a few times. David J’s bass was matte black while Daniel Ash’s guitar was ultra shiny mirror black. Peter was the only one sporting a wedding ring. I did notice that Daniel Ash has a small pox vaccination on his left upper arm. David J never took his sunglasses off, as usual. I checked out their shoes, as I always do, and the only one wearing anything worth mentioning was Daniel Ash. He had giant moon boot looking things on his feet. They looked like they weighed 10 lbs. apiece.

Set list:
Burning from the Inside
In the Flat Field
God in an Alcove
In Fear of Fear (Daniel Ash on sax)
Terror Couple Kill Colonel
Swing the Heartache
She’s in Parties
Passion of Lovers (red lights)
Silent Hedges
Kick in the Eye
Hollow Hills (green lights)
Rosegarden Funeral of Sores
Stigmata Martyr (red lights)
Hair of the Dog
Rock ‘n Roll (Part 2)
Dark Entries

Encore - Peter put on a short black jacket, David J a black velvet jacket and Daniel Ash a black furry top hat
Slice of Life (sung by Daniel Ash)
Telegram Sam
Ziggy Stardust

Encore - Peter changed to a floor length red coat
Bela Lugosi’s Dead

****
Kara and I were standing in stage left right in front of David J. There was a person in front of us so we had a great-unobstructed view for the most part.

Random notes:
The one thing we didn’t expect was Gary Glitter’s Rock ‘n Roll Part 2 (aka the Rocky Hockey song). A lot of people bitched that they didn’t play Double Dare. I’m bummed too but they opened with Double Dare in 1998 on the Resurrection Tour. Slice of Life made me cry. That song is an anthem and I screamed the words along with Peter. Then I almost lost it with Ziggy Stardust. Fuck. I‘ve seen David Bowie and Bauhaus perform it and love it more every time. The last encore was Bela Lugosi’s Dead and it was amazing. That song is one of my least favorite songs by them but in concert, it is stunning.

****
I might see Supersuckers and Nashville Pussy this coming weekend. I blame my sister, Cathi, for putting the bug in my head about this show... She rules!

Then I got her back with putting The Dwarves and The Turbo A.C.'s (playing in a few weeks) in her head. Hah!

Kids these days, what are they thinking?!

I just did a little blog surfing and was very disappointed. It's practically impossible to find blogs that make any sense. The layout might be jacked up, hideous, and unreadable so it can be too hard trying to read them. Annoying enough that you just won't go back. I'm trying to expand but haven't found any new blogs that are worth reading daily. Anyone have any suggestions on new ones?

****
I did recently find The Worst Customer of the Day and hope she keeps it up! Thanks to Satan!

Alright already

I was fine when I went to bed on Monday night. Fine.

I woke up on yesterday with the crud. WTF? I had to work last and went in after a 3 hour nap. When I got to work I had a temp of 101. I stayed until midnight and then came home because I needed to sleep. I called in sick for tonight as well. Fuck it.

I was sick when I saw Social D last year and it makes me wonder if I'm ever going to see them play when I'm healthy. Ergh.

I have an appointment for next week to have my heating vents and ducts cleaned out to see if that will stop me from getting sick all the flipping time.