I have great credit. I'm glad that someone out there has decided to take advantage of that and buy a few tickets to Dubai. Fucking Dubai. Assholes.
My credit card had a zero balance. Until they bought two $1500 plane tickets.
I don't need this shit - no one does.
I never use this card for online purchases so I have no idea how they got the number. I feel like I might have done something wrong but how could I have when I'm sitting here holding the card in my hand?
Fuck all.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Merry!
Some things I should not do anymore-
Driving, dancing in my seat, and texting all at the same time. I was only driving 75 mph but it was fucking fun.
I was listening to:
You Suck - The Yeastie Girls
You Got Me Floatin' - P.M. Dawn
Do ya Think I'm Sexy - Revolting Cocks
Merry!
Driving, dancing in my seat, and texting all at the same time. I was only driving 75 mph but it was fucking fun.
I was listening to:
You Suck - The Yeastie Girls
You Got Me Floatin' - P.M. Dawn
Do ya Think I'm Sexy - Revolting Cocks
Merry!
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
You are on my mind or Thank Fuck 2005 is almost done.
At the close of 2005, I find myself being reflective again. The year had a few too many epiphanies for me to handle, too much chaos, sadness, and trauma for one girl to handle. I started the year out with a plethora of friends and ended up with a handful. The handful I am sincerely grateful to have in my life. The friends that step up to the plate to be there and understand when your world is turned upside down several times in a year are irreplaceable. Friends are patient and listen while you try to figure shit out in your head - crap that no one should ever have deal with but it hits like a ton of bricks at once. The sort of hell that makes me want to close the door and hide.
It’s sad that tragedy showed me who my real friends are - friends that were there for me the last half of the year. It showed me who could not be there for me during the rough times and will therefore never be there for me. Not many people stepped up; in fact, I have a new understanding of individuals because of it. I know reality is too much for many people so I don’t fault them. I had insane amounts of pain this past summer more than most people can deal with even if it happens to someone else. I found myself unable to move or was in a hazy cloud of disbelief a large portion of the time. I wished I could go back to the days of diving into chemicals for relief. I still have to deal with it, all of it, eventually.
There is nothing like losing your mind in the middle of summer. I can put on a somewhat decent face in times of sorrow but I know that the people that really care about me actually saw how different I was this past year. I wasn’t myself. I hadn’t been myself the entire year. I started getting back to normal and then school started so I had to take a step back again to slow down.
I’m grateful to the people in my life that are still my friends despite my lack of enthusiasm this past year. I understand you more than you think. The looks of understanding, respect and caring, I caught them, all of them. If that’s all you can give that’s fine, I got it. I know you love me and I love you back just as much.
I still hold on to honesty, loyalty, and respect for my friends. People always know where they stand with me. I’m not passive-aggressive and force people to try to read between the lines. It’s all black and white for me. I try to treat people the way I would like to be treated. It isn’t that difficult. Some people just make it hard for me to treat them with respect. I need to work on that.
I think I'm supposed to write about all the cool fun stuff from 2005. You know what they are because you were there, read about them on my blog, or I told you. I'm not writing about that crap today. I had a bunch of negative shit happen to me and then I got into nursing school. That's as much of a list as you will get.
I feel better about myself than I did this time last year. I didn’t accomplish major goals but I survived is my point. That’s what really matters to me.
Tell your family and friends you love them, you never know what will happen.
Bring on 2006 motherfuckers because there is no way it can possibly suck more than 2005.
Currently listening:
Hanky Panky
By The The.
It’s sad that tragedy showed me who my real friends are - friends that were there for me the last half of the year. It showed me who could not be there for me during the rough times and will therefore never be there for me. Not many people stepped up; in fact, I have a new understanding of individuals because of it. I know reality is too much for many people so I don’t fault them. I had insane amounts of pain this past summer more than most people can deal with even if it happens to someone else. I found myself unable to move or was in a hazy cloud of disbelief a large portion of the time. I wished I could go back to the days of diving into chemicals for relief. I still have to deal with it, all of it, eventually.
There is nothing like losing your mind in the middle of summer. I can put on a somewhat decent face in times of sorrow but I know that the people that really care about me actually saw how different I was this past year. I wasn’t myself. I hadn’t been myself the entire year. I started getting back to normal and then school started so I had to take a step back again to slow down.
I’m grateful to the people in my life that are still my friends despite my lack of enthusiasm this past year. I understand you more than you think. The looks of understanding, respect and caring, I caught them, all of them. If that’s all you can give that’s fine, I got it. I know you love me and I love you back just as much.
I still hold on to honesty, loyalty, and respect for my friends. People always know where they stand with me. I’m not passive-aggressive and force people to try to read between the lines. It’s all black and white for me. I try to treat people the way I would like to be treated. It isn’t that difficult. Some people just make it hard for me to treat them with respect. I need to work on that.
I think I'm supposed to write about all the cool fun stuff from 2005. You know what they are because you were there, read about them on my blog, or I told you. I'm not writing about that crap today. I had a bunch of negative shit happen to me and then I got into nursing school. That's as much of a list as you will get.
I feel better about myself than I did this time last year. I didn’t accomplish major goals but I survived is my point. That’s what really matters to me.
Tell your family and friends you love them, you never know what will happen.
Bring on 2006 motherfuckers because there is no way it can possibly suck more than 2005.
Currently listening:
Hanky Panky
By The The.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Thursday, December 15, 2005
I think I'm ready
After I had my head shrunk today I went and picked up a few things for tomorrow night's Christmas gift exchange. Here's what I got:
- A bottle of Effen Vodka
- A pair of panties (I think I might go buy another pair, I need to take a pic of the back - it's a great pair of thongs)
- A mint
Monday, December 12, 2005
Repetition
John is the type of patient that we don't normally have on our floor. He was transferred up to us last week out of the ICU because the medicine floor didn't have space for him.
He is homeless and was found with pneumonia in October. He has severe muscle atrophy and is unable to walk. Last week it was really hard to understand him when he talked because his voice was muffled. When I got into work yesterday I noticed that he is now somewhat coherent and chatting up a storm. I was working with him most of the day trying to train him to stop shitting his keks. He complained that he just wants out of the hospital and asked how he could get out. I explained to him (nicely of course) that he needed to stop shitting himself and start walking again. That was how most of the day went with him. He'd shit and piss and I would clean it up.
At about the 10th hour of my 12 hour shift he used his call light. I went into his room to find out what he needed. He had a strained look on his face but was quite pleased with himself at the same time.
John - I need your help.
Me - Sure, what can I get for you?
John - I need some tin foil.
Me (confused) - I don't think we have any but would plastic wrap work?
John (adamant) - I have to have tin foil.
Me - What do you need tin foil for?
John - For my ankles of course.
Me (grinning) - Huh?
John - I need tin foil to wrap around my ankles so I can walk again. Can you find me some tin foil?
Me (eyes tearing up)- Can you hold on a minute?
I left the room so I could breathe. I just met someone that believes in the power of the mighty tin foil. Fan-fucking-tastic. He has officially been placed in the top ten favorite patient list.
Unfortunately, he wasn't one of my patients today.
Song of the night:
Ich Bin Ein Auslander
PWEI
He is homeless and was found with pneumonia in October. He has severe muscle atrophy and is unable to walk. Last week it was really hard to understand him when he talked because his voice was muffled. When I got into work yesterday I noticed that he is now somewhat coherent and chatting up a storm. I was working with him most of the day trying to train him to stop shitting his keks. He complained that he just wants out of the hospital and asked how he could get out. I explained to him (nicely of course) that he needed to stop shitting himself and start walking again. That was how most of the day went with him. He'd shit and piss and I would clean it up.
At about the 10th hour of my 12 hour shift he used his call light. I went into his room to find out what he needed. He had a strained look on his face but was quite pleased with himself at the same time.
John - I need your help.
Me - Sure, what can I get for you?
John - I need some tin foil.
Me (confused) - I don't think we have any but would plastic wrap work?
John (adamant) - I have to have tin foil.
Me - What do you need tin foil for?
John - For my ankles of course.
Me (grinning) - Huh?
John - I need tin foil to wrap around my ankles so I can walk again. Can you find me some tin foil?
Me (eyes tearing up)- Can you hold on a minute?
I left the room so I could breathe. I just met someone that believes in the power of the mighty tin foil. Fan-fucking-tastic. He has officially been placed in the top ten favorite patient list.
Unfortunately, he wasn't one of my patients today.
Song of the night:
Ich Bin Ein Auslander
PWEI
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Saturday, December 10, 2005
I seen it all from back to front
I was in class today trying to learn. Not a big deal - that's what I'm supposed to do. Then it hit me with a giant thud to the chest.
Fuck all.
I had to get the hell out of there. I just couldn't take the chaos that was surrounding me. Too many people were talking. They were all belting out information at once. Some information was contradicitve to information that I received earlier. My brain was trying to sift through and figure out what I need to keep in my head and what is wrong or superfluous. I need figure it all out in six days. Six.
I sat in the hallway and cried. That's all I could do.
An instructor saw me in the hall and tried to talk to me. Then she tried to compare her life to mine. Wow. What is the worst thing you can say to a person when they are crying? The classic, "I know how you feel. That happened to me once... blah blah blah..." Argh. That just makes the person feel smaller, you stupid bitch. I could not wait for her to leave me alone.
A classmate walked up and just listened to me vent my frustration. She did not give me any advice or try to "one up" me with a story about herself that was worse than what I felt at the moment. She got me to laugh and back to my normal sarcastic self.
She listened.
There is hope in a world full of fucktards.
Fucktards... now that word makes me laugh.
Ahh... a happy ending...
Song of the night:
Shut That Door
The Wolfgang Press
Fuck all.
I had to get the hell out of there. I just couldn't take the chaos that was surrounding me. Too many people were talking. They were all belting out information at once. Some information was contradicitve to information that I received earlier. My brain was trying to sift through and figure out what I need to keep in my head and what is wrong or superfluous. I need figure it all out in six days. Six.
I sat in the hallway and cried. That's all I could do.
An instructor saw me in the hall and tried to talk to me. Then she tried to compare her life to mine. Wow. What is the worst thing you can say to a person when they are crying? The classic, "I know how you feel. That happened to me once... blah blah blah..." Argh. That just makes the person feel smaller, you stupid bitch. I could not wait for her to leave me alone.
A classmate walked up and just listened to me vent my frustration. She did not give me any advice or try to "one up" me with a story about herself that was worse than what I felt at the moment. She got me to laugh and back to my normal sarcastic self.
She listened.
There is hope in a world full of fucktards.
Fucktards... now that word makes me laugh.
Ahh... a happy ending...
Song of the night:
Shut That Door
The Wolfgang Press
Friday, December 09, 2005
Hook...
I'm all giddy. I got an email today that Peter Hook will be in Denver on January 20th to guest DJ. That isn't earth shattering news to very many people but it is to me.
I talked to him once. I was 17 and he was out walking in the crowds at Red Rocks. No one recoginized him for some reason. I don't know how you couldn't miss a man wearing leather pants and shirt in what seemed like 90 degree weather. I was a little warm and was outside most of the day in order to get front row seats. I have no idea what the drug of choice was that day. I recall attempting to talk to the man and fumbling my words. I know for sure that I was able to tell him how much I adored "In a Lonely Place". It isn't my favorite but I think it was at the time. If I saw him today I would probably just leave him alone. He must get plenty of idiots vying for his attention that he doesn't need me bugging him again almost 20 years later.
Shit, that really makes me feel old.
I was exactly 17 1/2 that day - September 8th, 1987.
I talked to him once. I was 17 and he was out walking in the crowds at Red Rocks. No one recoginized him for some reason. I don't know how you couldn't miss a man wearing leather pants and shirt in what seemed like 90 degree weather. I was a little warm and was outside most of the day in order to get front row seats. I have no idea what the drug of choice was that day. I recall attempting to talk to the man and fumbling my words. I know for sure that I was able to tell him how much I adored "In a Lonely Place". It isn't my favorite but I think it was at the time. If I saw him today I would probably just leave him alone. He must get plenty of idiots vying for his attention that he doesn't need me bugging him again almost 20 years later.
Shit, that really makes me feel old.
I was exactly 17 1/2 that day - September 8th, 1987.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Bite Me vs. the Other Me.
Reading my blog does not equal listening. Having people read what's going on isn't the same as actual human conversation. I still need to see people's expressions to know that I'm truly not as insane as I feel. I blog for its cathartic value to me but it doesn't take the place of social interaction. Blogging isn't the end of the conversation - it's the beginning. I collect my thoughts here so I can effectively communicate to people.
I know it may be lame but it's my take on how I work. It's what works for me.
What I am here (or write here) is not necessarily what I am in the real world. It's pretty flipping close though.
I know it may be lame but it's my take on how I work. It's what works for me.
What I am here (or write here) is not necessarily what I am in the real world. It's pretty flipping close though.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Good or bad, it‘s all gonna add up in the end but, you can never win
I need to have a decent support network while I'm in school. I need to be able to tell my friends what is going on with school and receive empathy back. I need them to take care of me for once. I have a hard time asking for anything from anyone. When help is given to me I don't take it lightly or shrug it off. All I need is for my friends to be available so that I can talk to them and that they LISTEN. It's not much to ask. In reality, it's like pulling teeth. Seriously, is it impossible to have friends that aren't completely self-centered?* If said individuals have nothing to gain from you then they want nothing to do with you.
I've been calling Marlo (my best friend) in California like crazy lately but it doesn't seem to help. I miss her dearly and it just reminds me of that every time I call. She listens to me but she isn't here with me. I need her here to hold me when I have my little minor breakdowns. When the stress of school, work, and money become too much. When my heart gets broken in half like I always let it. To tell me that I can do this, I can make it through this hell that I seemed to have put myself in. I need her to be at my side screaming for me to push on. I've met 2 women and 3 men in my life that I have had amazing connections with in life. Marlo is one of the five. The main one I can depend on. We just have a geographic problem.
Just listen and shut the fuck up about yourself for once. Let me pour it all out of my head.
All of it.
*****
Forgot to mention:
Had lunch with him today! I had a great time shooting the shit.
Then I got my box tidied up! Raar.
Song of the night: Never Win
*This in not in reference to anyone I am currently friends with...
I've been calling Marlo (my best friend) in California like crazy lately but it doesn't seem to help. I miss her dearly and it just reminds me of that every time I call. She listens to me but she isn't here with me. I need her here to hold me when I have my little minor breakdowns. When the stress of school, work, and money become too much. When my heart gets broken in half like I always let it. To tell me that I can do this, I can make it through this hell that I seemed to have put myself in. I need her to be at my side screaming for me to push on. I've met 2 women and 3 men in my life that I have had amazing connections with in life. Marlo is one of the five. The main one I can depend on. We just have a geographic problem.
Just listen and shut the fuck up about yourself for once. Let me pour it all out of my head.
All of it.
*****
Forgot to mention:
Had lunch with him today! I had a great time shooting the shit.
Then I got my box tidied up! Raar.
Song of the night: Never Win
*This in not in reference to anyone I am currently friends with...
Friday, December 02, 2005
Density - measure of mass per unit of volume
I went to the counter to get some water. He was getting a beer. He pulled out a fortune that he keeps in his wallet that said, "In time, all of your wishes will come true."
Him - It's finally starting to work!
Me -Really?
Him - Yep. I finally met the girl of my dreams.
Me - Wow. Congratulations! Good luck with everything.
I walked away with my water and left him at the counter. Was I supposed to stay there and talk to this virtual stranger ( I just met him a few weeks ago) and ask him about this woman? I actually felt bad for a minute. I can be a little dense at times. Just ask me out. Fool.
*****
Same night...
I was sitting down and a female friend walked up to me and kissed me at "the spot" on my neck. I laughed and told her to stop because I'm super ticklish there. She said she already knew that and that's why she did it. I don't remember telling her that...
Fast forward an hour...
A tall guy that is an acquaintance must have witnessed the "hello" from my friend. He walked behind me and put his hands on my neck and shoulders. He wasn't massaging or tickling just sort of rubbing. I asked abruptly what he was doing. He responded that he knew I was ticklish there and was attempting to tickle me. Huh? I responded, "Hands don't do it for me there."
He seems like a nice guy but is not going to get anywhere with me. He's just a big burly fella. We have nothing in common (yes, I have talked to him). Not to mention, he touched me and inappropriately. From that experience, I know he doesn't know how to touch a woman (at least the way I like it). It sort of freaked me out. It was a little too forward. I never gave him any indication (I don't flirt with men I'm not attracted to) that it was ok to touch me. He goes on the dense list too...
Do some people just not know when the other person is not interested? Apparently.
*****
Why am I blogging right now? I have an exam tomorrow and I should be studying instead. Erg.
*****
Gerg and Daniel, thank you for listening to me this week. I've just had too much shit going on lately and appreciate your ears. I've been calling Marlo (my best friend in CA) a lot too. Being around or talking to people that get me is important to me these days.
Him - It's finally starting to work!
Me -Really?
Him - Yep. I finally met the girl of my dreams.
Me - Wow. Congratulations! Good luck with everything.
I walked away with my water and left him at the counter. Was I supposed to stay there and talk to this virtual stranger ( I just met him a few weeks ago) and ask him about this woman? I actually felt bad for a minute. I can be a little dense at times. Just ask me out. Fool.
*****
Same night...
I was sitting down and a female friend walked up to me and kissed me at "the spot" on my neck. I laughed and told her to stop because I'm super ticklish there. She said she already knew that and that's why she did it. I don't remember telling her that...
Fast forward an hour...
A tall guy that is an acquaintance must have witnessed the "hello" from my friend. He walked behind me and put his hands on my neck and shoulders. He wasn't massaging or tickling just sort of rubbing. I asked abruptly what he was doing. He responded that he knew I was ticklish there and was attempting to tickle me. Huh? I responded, "Hands don't do it for me there."
He seems like a nice guy but is not going to get anywhere with me. He's just a big burly fella. We have nothing in common (yes, I have talked to him). Not to mention, he touched me and inappropriately. From that experience, I know he doesn't know how to touch a woman (at least the way I like it). It sort of freaked me out. It was a little too forward. I never gave him any indication (I don't flirt with men I'm not attracted to) that it was ok to touch me. He goes on the dense list too...
Do some people just not know when the other person is not interested? Apparently.
*****
Why am I blogging right now? I have an exam tomorrow and I should be studying instead. Erg.
*****
Gerg and Daniel, thank you for listening to me this week. I've just had too much shit going on lately and appreciate your ears. I've been calling Marlo (my best friend in CA) a lot too. Being around or talking to people that get me is important to me these days.
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