Bite Me.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

pisces

My clinicals at the hospice are over. I had the best time and the worst time all at once. I wish I could explain it better. When I left after the last day I got in my car and bawled like a baby. I truly fell in love with some of those people and if I go back they won't be alive. I have never felt so appreciated in my life. Everyone was incredibly sincere and honest - even in dying. I cried with complete strangers and gave them hugs. I wasn't there long enough to get some of the family member's names but they hugged and thanked me just the same.

It was weird doing the post-mortems. A body without life is a bizarre feeling. They were so cold and empty. The human body gets cold pretty quick. I'm thankful that human touch amongst the living is warm. I'm glad we aren't cold blooded creatures. I wondered if I was a cold cruel person when I did the post-mortems because I felt no emotion at all. Then when I saw the family members again I would lose it and cry with them. I don't know if I could work there and keep my sanity but I felt so much joy and so much sadness that I don't know if I could get used to the sadness and hold on to the joy.

I do know one thing. If I am ever diagnosed with a terminal disease that sends me to a hospice there is no way I'm eating the crap food that they serve. Bring on the ice cream, chip and dip and grilled cheese sandwiches. Fuck that nasty food. I almost forgot - bring on the nicotine! If they won't let me smoke inside then they will have to carry me out. When I get bad enough that I can't go out then stick a patch on my arm for crying out loud!

Friday, April 11, 2003

Loser Dave...

I went on a date with Dave on Wednesday. I don't know if I'm just too busy with school and work but I just don't feel that I was there. Since he isn't working now he apparently got some sort of ultimatum from his landlord about rent and had some business to do to come up with some money. I feel bad for him but I just don't have the time or patience deal with other people's money issues. The first thing he said to me was that he couldn't stay for lunch because something had come up that morning that he had to tend to. I got it out of him that it was a rent issue situation. He ended up staying for lunch anyway. I did find out that he really cares about his parents and that is something I can really appreciate in a guy. He can't be that bad if he cares about his parents so much. Then again he could be a Mama's Boy which would be evil. I've dated Mama's Boys in the past and it sucks because you know you are constantly being compared to them. I just don't want to be in a codependent relationship either and I know that is the type we would have.

Monday, February 17, 2003

Wake up dumb fuck

Man, you can be such a stupid fucking idiot. When are you ever going to grow up and get rid of your fucking pity party? Poor me, my life isn't perfect - well who has a perfect life?

This is what I keep on telling myself lately when the reality of life w/o prozac hits me and the stress from school and filling out applications hits me and how am I going to afford all of this and what if I don't get accepted into school and what if my endocrinologist does find something horrilbly wrong with me and what if it takes me forever to find a job?

Yes, I definitely have PCOS and might have another syndrome b/c my cortisol level is too high. My recent level was 31.2 and the normal level s/b from 6 to 23. So I do have a few more tests that my doc wants to run. This should be interesting.

Monday, December 23, 2002

A ton of shit has happened since the last time I put in an entry. I found out that my work is going to definitely lay me off. My last day of work will be May 2nd 2003. I'm happy about the change. I've learned a lot about myself by the reaction I've had since finding out.

I decided to go back to school and get a degree in nursing. It is going to take forever but I really do feel that I'm ready to tackle the challenge. I think 10 years away from school has been enough of a break.

I'm going to refinance my house and then take out a home equity loan to decrease all of my payments asap. I need to do this before I lose my job and go back to school.

Tuesday, September 03, 2002

My anxiety attack got much better after my sister's wedding. The wedding went fine - I cried the entire time - I was a wreck. The bridal shower was good too. I was stressing hardcore about the punch and couldn't figure out what to make it turned out fantastic here it is:

2 oranges (slices to float on top)
2 lemons (slices)
2 limes (slices)
1 liter of sprite
half gallon of lemonade
half gallon of Welch's wild raspberry
1 orange juice ring

My car broke down on the day of the shower - it was an extra stress that I did not need. The battery cable was bad but I got it fixed for free the next day at the dealership.

This whole wedding stuff hasn't completely ended yet. The newlyweds are staying with me until they leave for Maui on Tuesday. I really need some extended amount of time alone. I really hope I can make it till then. I know I should see the doctor about this need to be alone all the time b/c I know it probably isn't normal - but do I really want to be on more drugs? Do I really want to start seeing a therapist again? Therapy has never really helped me much. I know what my problems and issues are, I'm just not motivated to change or to fix them. Prozac is killing my motivation and drive to live my life better. I have to blame prozac b/c it couldn't possibly be me (sarcasm of course). I'm lonely, afraid, have a million bills stacking up and I need a change in my life. I heard that a lot of marriages end b/c of money issues - can I get a divorce from myself b/c the money thing is getting too intense? Like some divorced people, instead of dealing with a problem and fixing it divorce is the easiest way for me.

Well, there's a load of crap I just laid out. When I write in this diary I just don't how much of this stuff I write b/c I want to "seem" like a real person trying to deal with life and that I'm different than the annoying girl that lives upstairs. God forbid - no one else has issues or problems like me right? I like to think I'm unique.

Thursday, August 15, 2002

Fashion - turn to the left!

On Saturday I went to The Parrish House. Dr. Stuart collects and sells original Maxfield Parrish prints. I bought a bookplate for my sister's wedding, a bookplate for me and a cd with over 1000 Parrish pictures. It's way cool.

After The Parrish House I went with Ke to the Area2 festival to see David Bowie. I love him more than I used to. He was only about 20 feet away from us and you could see the color in his eyes. He was very charismatic and you could tell he was having a good time. He sang stuff from his new album, China Girl, Let's Dance, Fame, Heroes, Fashion, Ziggy Stardust and a bunch of others. Then Moby came on and he was ok. Moby didn't sound as good as Bowie - it's hard to create his music live - studio is better for him. During Moby these two lesbians picked a fight with a couple of guys. One of the guys got beer thrown in his face - it was pretty fun to watch.

Bowie Bowie Bowie

Tuesday, August 06, 2002

Sad Kitty news

Lynne called me on Sunday night. She always has the same problems and never really tries to fix them - she has been screaming victim forever. I haven't talked to her since February or March. A few days after Christmas I gave her the best gift I have ever given anyone - a kitten that I adored. I took in 3 kittens and their Mom at the end of November and they were all quite sickly. The kittens were about 2-3 weeks old and would have died during the winter in my Grandpa's barn if I didn't take them. The runt and the sickest. I had to bottle feed him the first couple of weeks in the morning evening, during the night and my neighbor came over during the day and fed him. He was so tiny he fit in the palm of my hand. I spent about $1000 on the cats (most of it was spent on the runt). His eyes had scars on them so I had to continually return to the vet because complications kept on coming up. Anyway, Lynne really wanted the little guy, so like an idiot I decided to let her have him. During our phone conversation on Sunday night I inquired about him. She nonchalantly said, "I thought for sure you knew that he ran away about 2 weeks after I picked him up." She came up with all these lame excuses like the doors were all locked and I still have no idea how he got out in the middle of the night.

Blah blah blah was all I heard while she twisted the knife. I have talked to her several times since he disappeared and she failed to mention him. Then she had the nerve to get mad at me when I got upset. At this point I never want to talk to her again. I put a ton of work (and money)into that kitty so that he would be ok.

I am crushed. He was my little one.

Monday, July 29, 2002

Corn Nuts!

MaM and I went to the Renaissance Festival and had a good time. Being nutty was great! There were so many fantastically weird people there, when I'm high it's hard for me to turn off my filters - so my mouth just says exactly what I'm thinking (more than normal). Quite a few people were wearing pajamas this year. One guy was wearing a kilt that you could tell was made from sheets. Then there was this geeky girl. She was a decked out in the appropriate clothes. She wanted to sit in the front row but her friends didn't so she said something like "I guess we will sit up there" but she wasn't talking to anyone. She was talking AT us - sort of into the air. I got a kick out of watching her the rest of the day. When we got back to my house we both took naps, got nutty again then went to dinner and ate an insane amount of food!

Friday, July 19, 2002

Worthless Info

I'm lazy, I know. I get the emails from friends all the time telling me to answer a bunch of inane questions so here they are:

1.WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Shmeder

2.WERE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE? Karen Carpenter

3.NICKNAMES: Korn, Krn, K-Ren, Shmeder, Purple K

4.HOMETOWN: Denver, CO

5.TOWN YOU LIVE IN: Denver, CO

6.WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Military base (Mather AFB), Sacramento, CA

7.HAIR COLOR: Brown

8.IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Good question…umm…brown

9.EYE COLOR: Brown

10.DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Not anymore! Yippee for Lasik!

11.PIERCINGS: Ears 6 (4 on the right, 2 on the left)

12.SIGN & BIRTHDAY: Pisces March 8

13.WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? Met Ginger and Wendy for lunch.

14.FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR: Halloween, Birthday

15.FAVORITE MONTH: April

16.FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK: Wednesday

17.SIBLINGS AND AGES: Brenda, 44, Bill, 43, Diane, 41, Cathi, 31

18.PETS: Cat - Chunk

19.IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE: I’m over this question.

20.WHAT COLOR PANTS ARE YOU WEARING? Argyle Christmas pajama pants from The Gap

21.IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Cornflower, Thistle, Orchid

22.FAVORITE COLORS: Purple, Black, Raspberry, Chartreuse, Green, Silver, Pink

23.LEAST FAVORITE COLOR: Tan, Beige

24.HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Not at all - I took a nap

25.SUMMER OR WINTER? No, Spring and Fall

26.LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: Own a condo

27.WHAT’S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? My mouse

28.WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT? Homework

29.FAVORITE SMELLS: Lilacs, Men, Rain

30.LEAST FAVORITE SMELLS: Mack truck exhaust fumes, Static Guard

31.CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE? No

32.THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX: Scent, Confidence, Chest, Shoes, Eye contact

33.ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? No

34.HUGS OR KISSES? Both

35.FIRST TEENAGE (OR PRE-TEEN) MOVIE STAR CRUSH: Jason Bateman

36.RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE-NIGHT STANDS? This changes daily but it’s currently one-night stands

37.HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? Yes

38.HAVE YOU EVER LOVED SOMEONE SO MUCH IT MADE YOU CRY? Yes

39.WHAT INSPIRES YOU? The purpley orange pinkish sunsets - I don’t know what they inspire me to do but I do know they amaze me.

40.FUTURE CHILD’S NAME: Julia Diane or Julia Catherine, Paul, Leo… shit… I am a girl!

41.FAVORITE FLOWER: Iris, Morning Glory, White Rose, Lilac, Forget-me-not

42.DO YOU WISH ON STARS? The first star I see at night and shooting stars

43.WHICH FINGER IS YOUR FAVORITE? My middle finger

44.WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? A week or so ago

45.IF THERE WAS A MOVIE ABOUT YOU WHO WOULD PLAY YOU? I have no clue, any suggestions?

46.DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yes

47.WHO ARE YOU JEALOUS OF? No one

48.DO YOU HAVE ANY BAD HABITS? Yes, falling for unavailable men

49.WHAT STORE WOULD YOU NEVER BE CAUGHT IN? None that I can think of

50.ARE YOU A DARE-DEVIL? Yes, I’m addicted to driving fast, roller coasters and anything else that just might kill me…

51.HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN ANYTHING? Yes, root beer flavored Lip Lickers from Spencer’s in Aurora Mall while Christmas shopping with my Mom in 2nd grade.

52.DO LOOKS MATTER? Yes

53.DO YOU PRAY? Sometimes

54.HAVE YOU EVER MET ANYONE FAMOUS? Yes, Nigel from Blondie, Smashing Pumpkins, Peter Hook, John Doe, Blind Melon, P J Harvey, Live, Weird Al, Gary Coleman (he was picking up on Marlo at a gas station), Rob Blake (hockey) and Chris Drury (hockey)

55.DO YOU THINK THERE IS A POT OF GOLD AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW? Why do you ask?

56.ARE YOU TRENDY? Sometimes

57.WHAT DO YOU DO TO VENT ANGER? Yell, yoga, drive fast, work out, loud music

58.ARE YOU PASSIVE OR AGGRESSIVE? Aggressive

59.DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? Yes

60.WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? Spirograph

61.WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DID YOU THINK WAS TOTALLY USELESS? Drama…ugh, I just suck at it

62.DO YOU LIKE SAPPY LOVE SONGS? No

63.HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON RADIO OR TELEVISION? Both, radio… had my own segment called A Chapter in the Life of the Single Girl on a radio show on Friday nights. ESPN broadcast a college football game on Halloween night. Friends told me they did a close-up on a super drunk girl… me.

64.HAVE YOU EVER INTENTIONALLY HURT SOMEONE? Yes

65.DO YOU LIKE SARCASM? Duh.

66.HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT? Another..duh…I am Shmeder

67.DO YOU FEEL UNDERSTOOD MOST OF THE TIME? Does anyone?

68.WOULD YOU RATHER HAVE A SORE THROAT OR AN UPSET STOMACH? Upset stomach

69.HAVE YOU THOUGHT SERIOUSLY ABOUT COMMITTING SUICIDE? Yes, I had a plan

70.DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES EVERY TIME YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No, unless it’s something like my 8-hole docs and then I really have no choice, do I?

71.WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT RIGHT NOW? Getting this fucking paper done

72.DO YOU EVER WEAR OVERALLS? Never

73.DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes

74.HOW MANY KEYS ARE ON YOUR KEY RING? Four (my house, my car, my mailbox, and Doug's)

75.WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES? I have Fiestaware in all colors!

76.WHAT’S THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP? What time is it?

77.HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? My phone plays music for 30 seconds so I get it when I get it.

78.WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? Friends, Family, Health

79.WHAT IS THE #1 PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE? Me

80.WHAT SONG DESCRIBES YOU? Wild Thing (I wish…), Dancing Barefoot (again, I wish!)

81.DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Sometimes

82.STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? Very cool

83.IS THE GLASS HALF-FULL OR HALF-EMPTY? Half-full

84.DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? Yes

85.WHAT’S UNDER YOUR BED? Liquor, boxes of books… etc.

86.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER? 8

87.WHAT IS YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST FEAR? Giving up on myself, Failure, Dying alone

88.WHAT SCREEN SAVER IS ON YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW? Shooting stars

89.HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TOILET PAPERING? Yes

90.HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A CAR ACCIDENT? Yes, several, hit by a drunk driver on I-25 was the worst after the Jane’s Addiction/Primus concert December 1990

91.TASTES GREAT OR LESS FILLING? Huh?

92.DISNEY OR WARNER BROS.? Who the fuck cares?

93.WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BEDROOM? It's so boring I don't even want to talk about it.

94.BEFORE THIS ONE, WHOM DID YOU GET YOUR LAST EMAIL FROM? This quiz is so old. I've been updating it since 2002 so this question is now moot.

95.WHICH STORES WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO MAX OUT YOUR CREDIT CARD? Nordstrom, Home Depot, Wax Trax, Twist and Shout, Tattered Cover, Amazon

96.WHAT DO YOU DO MOST OFTEN WHEN YOU ARE BORED? Read, clean

97.MOST ANNOYING THING PEOPLE ASK/SAY TO YOU: Is your last name spelled with TWO t’s? Argh!

98.WHAT TIME DO YOU GO TO BED? 1 am

99.WHO DID YOU LAST EAT OUT WITH? Shelly

100.HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? Cold, slightly breezy

101.FAVORITE RELAXATION SPOT: Bed

102.FAVORITE BOARD GAME: Yahtzee, Scrabble

103.DO YOU CARRY A DONOR CARD? Yes - and you should too!

104.LIFETIME GOALS: Contentment, Finish school (my second degree)

105.WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Cereal

106.FAVORITE DRINK: Water

107.FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Vodka tonic, Tequila, Rio Margarita, Lemondrop Martini’s from Herb’s Hideout (made with fresh lemons!)

108.RED OR WHITE WINE: Red

109.FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT: Taco Bell

110.FAVORITE FOOD: My Mom’s Fried Chicken, Mashed Potatoes, Gravy and Corn

111.DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? No thank you!

112.CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Vanilla Bean

113.WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE POPSICLE? Fudgsicle and Otter Pops

114.BUTTERED, PLAIN, OR SALTED POPCORN? Kettle

115.KETCHUP OR MUSTARD? Mustard, Malt Vinegar

116.HAMBURGERS OR HOTDOGS? Hamburgers

117.FAVORITE SOFT DRINK: Fountain Cherry Coke - Not Classic Coke with cherry syrup - it must be fountain - I am very fussy…

118.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? I don’t buy lunchmeat

119.BURGER KING OR MCDONALDS? No thank you

120.THAI OR CHINESE FOOD? Mexican, Indian, Mediterranean/Middle Eastern and then Thai

121.FAVORITE RESTAURANT: El Taco de Mexico

122.COULD YOU BE A VEGETARIAN? I was for a very brief period in college and I might do it on a more permanent basis one of these days

123.HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU FAIL YOUR DRIVERS TEST? Once - that bitch didn’t pass me!

124.FAVORITE CAR: 1964 Ford Thunderbird or 1957 Ford Thunderbird

125.WHERE DID YOU GO THE LAST TIME YOU WERE ON A PLANE? Las Vegas

126.WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? 1983 Mazda GLC - I love that car!

127.DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Yes, very much so

128.FORD OR CHEVY? Ford

129.THE BEST PLACES YOU’VE EVER BEEN: Iceland, Maui, New York, Playa Del Carmen, London, Germany

130.FAVORITE SPORTS: Hockey, Sex, Kickball, Snowboarding

131.WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Rigor Mortis by A Split Second

132.FAVORITE SONG: Today it’s - You Are the Magic by Johnny Marr and The Healers

133.FAVORITE CD: Too many… Paul’s Boutique by Beastie Boys, Automatic by Jesus and Mary Chain, Farstucker by Lords of Acid, Birdwood Cage by The Wolfgang Press, Closer by Joy Division

134.FAVORITE TV SHOWS: Lost, Heroes, and Jericho

135.LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED: Aeon Flux

136.FAVORITE MOVIE: Pulp Fiction, Trainspotting, Snatch

137.ROCK OR ELECTRONICA? Both

138.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Medical/Surgical Nursing

139.FAVORITE MAGAZINE: Budget Living, 5280

140.WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Shelly

Updated on 2007February16

Thursday, July 18, 2002

First Post

Stay Gold

Pony Boy

Stay Gold

Hello!